Stress Will Not Ruin Your Marriage By Iyke Nwambie
April 9, 2016
One of the commonest foxes (Song of Solomon 2:15) that spoil the vine in a marriage relationship is the attitude that says:
"Although we are one in this relationship...I am that one."
That attitude is a wrong attitude that can only produce stress and tension. It makes you the center-piece of the marriage, It creates tension, it amplifies the rebellious side of the other person, it builds an invisible wall between couples and causes a once smiling couple to brood and fuss over every little thing.
I once spoke to a couple who had this kind of issue in their marriage. While talking to them, they got into mini verbal fireworks. And at the peak of their outbursts the man had said:
"I am the man in this marriage, I am the head of this home, you must listen up!"
And the woman had countered sharply like this:
"I am the woman in this marriage, I must be treated like a lady...So, you need to listen up!"
While they kept at it, I continued to smile at their drama. And after about five minutes, the man wanted to know why I was smiling at what they considered to be very serious. And my response got their attention.
I said "both of you do not have any serious problem. You only have a challenge called, "I am that one."
They both rolled their eyeballs upwards and downwards as they focused on me with an attitude that seems to say: "And what in the world does that mean?"
I continued, "both of you are acting like two politicians campaigning for votes...Each one is saying, 'I am that one'...Vote for me." And the man of the house asked, "Sir, are you saying that I am not the head of this home? Are you saying that I am not the leader of this home?"
I said "Yes, you are...But have you heard of the concept of leadership called, 'Leading From The Back?" He said "No."
So, I continued, "leading from the back is when a leader allows the led to exercise authority in a collaborative way. That is, that leader ensures alignment to their common vision through indirect suggestions and advice while allowing the led to enforce what had been agreed upon."
For example instead of telling your wife with every audacity that you are the boss, you say, "Sweetheart, marriage is a partnership of love and oneness...And in that kind of partnership, every partner submits to the other partner in love... That is, I submit to your need, and you submit to my lead."
That pep-talk immediately re-conditioned them. The woman of the house said, "Yes, you submit to my need..." And the man completed it, "You submit to my lead."
"In other words, what you are saying, Pastor, is that both of us must submit to each other in some way?"
And my answer was, "Yes, Ephesians 5:21 talks about submitting ourselves one to another...For mutual submission borne out of love is the golden secret to a golden marriage...I rest my case."
After praying with them, and laying hands on them for grace they left with joy. And three years after I ran into them at a program and asked how they were faring and they had a testimony of peace, joy and love to share to the glory of God. Why? They have shifted their attitude from
" I AM THAT ONE" to..."WE ARE THAT ONE."
Friend, marriage is not a competition, it is a completion; marriage involves a team spirit not a tear spirit. If the team wins, everybody wins. May you win in your marriage, may your marriage blossom again like never before, may the fresh oil of God lubricate any dry spot in your marriage today, in Jesus name. Amen.
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